So, the other week, while on supervision at a school I work at, I saw a gr. 4 student walking around the playgroun d with a rather large tree branch. This has been a problem in the past, even with kids hitting eachother with such branches, so I went over to him and instructed him to just put the branch down. He defended himself, claiming that he was trying to put it back (since when did tree grafting get taught at the elementary level). When I initially saw him, he was not of one purpose or direction in where he was going with the branch, so I doubted him, and told him just to put the branch down where he was and walk away. tHe look on his face as he walked away made me think one thing: did he feel like he got in trouble for trying to do something good, the right thing? Of course I was off to stop an insuing game of tackle football before I could see what he was really feeling.

Why do I tell you this? Cause in the last few months, I think i have the same expression on my face towards my omnipresent supervisor. I don't believe in self pity, but having come from a meeting with a surgeon who has advised me that a second surgery is imenent, for I am worse off than before my first surgery, I feel like doing what I thought was the will of God has gotten me in trouble, and not just a little. When I decided to ahve the surgery, I thought it was an act of trust and faith, believing in both the signs, advice, and senses in prayer that I sincerly thought were from God. This was no hasty decision, but more meditaiton and prayer was ut into it than anything else in my life. Now, I struggle to ahve enough hours in the day to serve the purpose God has called me to because of all the excercises, appointments and hours on the verge of giving up that I must face amidst my usually busy day. I feel like I am in this because I trusted God.

I do not doubt God's power, but wonder why i can see the pain, frustration, and endless effort of three surgeons, two massage therapists, and a physio in a pear tree, yet I can't see a blasted thing from the One whom I thought was leading me here. I believe God can cause good to come out of this, or anything else. hey, I am equiped with the many 'pat answers' that people have offered me, maybe when my interest in real counselling is gone, i will start using these with my students. I have learned some real thoughts on God and scripture as well, but is the tuition for this class a permanently screwed up arm and many lost hours and dollars I will never get back?

Though I feel I have given all i can to God in the last 5 years of service, I know God does not owe anything back to me, but let Him know tha tthis has changed the way i teach about following the 'will of God' forever. Infact, maybe Him and I will both agree that I should invite a guest speaker whenever that subject is taught. I know tha tif God so willed, my arm would be healed, but as I look out my window to the clouds, i wonder...will He?

I am more than upset, more than just tested, I am more than just a little angry, and will freely admit tha tthe only reason I am even here I am evne here to type this now is the desire to raise up my son well. Hmm, can't wait till graduation day.

p.s. I will not go back and edit for grammar and spelling, cause the content would make me ashamed. Instead, I focus on an orange button that says publish post...