AS I blog, there is a sermon going on right now in my church. I am sure it is a great sermon, but I do not need teaching right now. I need God in a different way, but I am not sure exactly how it looks, who am I to define if, when, and how He meets me.

This weekend I went from Mike who is hurting and impatient with things, that include my arm, and other things to Mike who is angry with other things. Things include 3 students leaving youth group to hang out at someone's house during Bible Study and serving to help a family. Do i ignore it, forget it, get angry at it. Is our program and Bible Study not good enough, not engaging, or God focussed? Are our programs like involving students to be able to bless a family that needs help, or our other things like wheel chair basket ball, etc not unique enough, fun enough, meaningful enough? Am I not discipling these particular students so that they may even care about the 'group'. I must do something, because the attitude is actually spreading, and the one who used to leave, now brings with him 2 or 3. They can't say what it was like and why they left, becasue tehy left before all that stuff happened. And then, I yield the yoputh room during sunday school hour to the sr. high, because their normal leader is out for a few weekends. I want to make them comfortable, give them a menaingful Bible Study, make it worth their time, and then all the guys in teh group leave for Tim Horton's instead. coming back just before the end. I expressed my thoughts to those guys and the displeasure and distrust created by their action. I also told them that their actions will most certainly result in at least one nasty phone call from their parents, if not more. In a week where I wanted to dream about what Jr high retreat could be, I will instead be watching the phone, waiting to be yelled at, once again.

All of this is in the context of a time when I long to just cry out to God for help amidst struggles and failings of my own, between me and Him, but I can't, because the time is too costly, because I am too busy getting mad a those who are bad, trying to connect those who don't feel connected, cover areas that were not my responsibility, and think how I will find time to clean my office again and iron my shirts, as three people commented on that today(the shirts, I mean, the office is just a running joke I guess).

Responses could include delegating, discipling more, visioning more, I am not sure. I know it is foolish to focus on what I can do, and not God, but who am I to define if, when, and how He intervenes. ( I have learned that lesson the past 8 months)

If you have read this far, I am really sorry I ahve picked a bad year to start blogging, but I needed to say something, cause I don't know how to handle these things any more, and want advice, or a change. Sometimes I think maybe this surgery, if all does not go well during the procedure, could be a great time to change, but I don't want to think that. I want to dwell on the wonder of beign a part of two baptisms, and really life change, but I should clean my office an2d iron my shirts, control the thigs I can, and blog about the rest. Thanks for reading. Maybe now you can see a picture of the old Mike, pre-arm stuff, I think I could handle this stuff better. I should rely on God and not what I can do, but the service is wrapping up, adn people need me, for forms, instructions, encouragement, etc.

Mike