chapter two of hospital stay.

sorry for the delay, but some of these posts, like this one, are very hard to come to terms with, or say 'out loud', but if this is my spiritual journey, tehn it may as well be real as i reflect.

So, still in the O/R, still fully awake, and unable to catch teh eye of the nurse, or anyone else. Thne they start to go to work. The doctor had told me ahead of time that normal pain control would not be sufficient for moving my arm after surgery, so they would try something called a nerve block. This is where they search, via needle, and nerve stimulator, for the correct nerves to your arm off of your C-6 vertibra, and freeze those nerves by the spine directly, and keep them frozen. Not pain control, but total loss of sensation.

They had told me that the safer way to do it would be through my chest, with less chance of puncturing, and they would be able to run tubing in that way to keep freezing flowing in. If that did nto work, they would have to come in through the neck. With that, there would be risk of puncturing my lungs, and they would not be able to run tubing in but would need to repeate the procedure every morning while in hospital.

So, there on teh table, alone with 6 other people, they started to go in through the chest. All they could find though, with the nerve stimulator, was my chest nerves. they were repeatedly making my chest heave up and down, and knew they were not even close to the nerves for my right arm. So, after sticking needles and stimulators deep into my chest, they said, as i could hear clearly, that they would need to try the neck approach, but would have to be careful.

As they went in, the pain and fear were both increased with a needle in my neck rather than in my chest. (both probably seem unpleasant, but now my mind's eye was on the signature that said i acknowledged the risk of my lung being punctured during this procedure.) As they got deeper with the needle (remmeber, no sedation yet) my chest started bouncing again. I thought, that's fine, they are jus getting started. About 2 minutes later, according m to my internal clock, they were still only making my chest bounce (and i wasn't even jogging)

Then, the preasure off my chest, finally, but my left leg is now definately stimulated. This is more than reflex, this is a constant firing of the nerves inside to impact the muscles outside. My mind cried out as that happened, the longer this took, the more risk they were in for. Why was the more experienced doctor just advising the less experienced doctor. Why did he not use his own hands, and not just his directions to the newbie. I understand the need for education, but my neck is on the line here. I was now not only scared, but angry, angry that a man had to be awake to hear this going on. Angry that a doctor saw it more important to train than to keep me safe. angry that i even thought this whole process a year ago could even have a happy ending. I actually cared far more about 'something serious' happening then i did before. I longed to know that my son would be raised right, and ahve a complete and Godly life. I did not cry out to God, but I cried out to something.

Eventually, they got small movements in my arm, and wiggled the equipment around that area more carefully, until my entire arm was convulsing.

They said they had it, and injected the freezing. Oh, a weird and scary feeling, preasure of liquid deep inside. As soon as they had that, the nurse (whom had I/V.ed me without my knowledge, looked at me and advised they were sedating me now, and then I was gone, within seconds.

So, at the time, I did not have the ability to relate this expereience to any ideas or illustrations, but as I reflect, it all seems similar to our reactions to God sometimes. My reactions inside to the doctors, I mean.

While they were not doing the procedure as successfully as I ha hoped, and I started to fear the risks that came with doing it,, i was very angry at the ones 'in control'. Often, when things that we know God is 'in control' of, are not going the way we hoped, or the risks are now increased, or seem that way, we get very angry.

This idea has brought me to a thought which may be the thesis of my next few years, trying to figure out. that is this: Is the north american church focussed on a 'results based god' that they call Christianity. Do we worship God more what what He does than who He is? I am not saying that he doesn't promise some results, for sure our eternity, and there are lots of promises regarding this life too.

But do we expect results from Him that He never intended, and worship accordingly? This is not a judgemental statement, but a reflection of how i think i have let the culture change me more than God transform me. I desire often for what he wants for me, as expressed in His word, but I have lots of other desires as well. Like desiring the doctors to be successful the easy way, with little risk, I want God to take care of me, not in teh vague way of thinking everyhing will be alright in the end, but that i want to be 'all right' now. i want my arm to be working, and I hoped that God would make it more than just a complicated medical process that may or amy not work, costing hours, days, of painful therapy and excercises, for possible results. i will not come to the point of admitting there is any divine intervention in that, so I get mad, cause i dont have the results i want.

Who he is has not changed, but what I want him to do vs. what he is doing is getting wider apart byt the day. I want to come to the point where I worship regardless, and continually, but there are some big things that are not 'well with my soul', if I am being honest, which seems to be the case in this blog, for better or for worse. I want to get to this point, I love him, but it is really hard to worhsip right now, really ahrd. It would be easier for me to believe that he couldn't help me, but would if he could, than knowing all my life that he could do anything, but isn't.

This has become really big for me. I just know that in my life right now, my feelings towards God are similar to my feelings towards the doctors trying to freeze a quarter of my body, touching areas they and I can't see. I want it to change, i want to be different, but I am so scared that if i just say 'it's all right', I risk not being able to tlak to God about some things/ideas, that have really really hurt in the last 15 years. I went up to the front at Elim Church, many times, to be 'healed', nothing. the elders in 3 churches have prayed, and then the oil thing, and two times, with people praying, they blamed the lack of healing on my lack of faith, but i believed, trust me. anyways, i wan tto know if God would rather me not think about results any more, but i want my theology to be based on truth, nott pat answers, so I will journey.