Hey, thjis is my blog from in the hospital, at pre op assesment. It is real, raw, and very long. I thought it would be fun to bring my laptop, but if you are easily offended, too sensitive at anything i may say that could seem like an attack,, or hav enot yet brought me off some spiritual pedestle that I can't maintain, then don tread. Also, don't feel obligated to coment. If I disturb u, sorry, this blog is not for u, but if I must hold back, this blog is not for me.

My Blog from inside Saint Paul

I arrive 25 minutes early, and get through admitting in record time. I am then sitting in front of “Test Center” half an hour before the sign says it will open. I wait in front of the doors, thinking about what I feel like right now. By the sounds of it, I will be present in many different departments before I am done here.

I think about what they are thinking when they look at me, or when they look at my file. I think to myself, I just want them to see me in my desperation. I want people to understand I need their help, and I can’t afford a third go at this, in fact I won’t wait for that to happen either. LBNL. I see a nurse pass by, on her way home probably, tired, looking after people, or are they people. Files? Numbers? Whatever. I just want someone to see that I can’t afford to be a number this time. I can’t wait six $%^&$# weeks for any real follow up. I know none of this is life threatening, but I hope that someone sees the second pass at this as an emergency, not just another attempt. I know in ski jumping you get 3 attempts, but not in this. I know some have gone through more than me, but I tried to be strong, valiant, Godly, whatever in maintaining my career of helping people, even in the midst of this past year. Screw maintaining, I won’t toot any of my own horns, but the last year has hardly been mere maintenance. Some people I see keep on trucking, some people need a break cause it is too much, some people quit cause it is too much. I do not feel bad in saying I have lived the complete opposite of the kind of life described in the latter 2. If I offend you with any of those statements, sorry, but show your anger by not visiting me next week, lol. Don’t assume I am thinking of you when I describe those people, nor that I say that those people are bad, or not, or whatever. I am just saying I have done anything but take a break or quit, and you could have not judged me had I done either. Many of you are also like me I am sure, and I just don’t see your problem you are going through, or the depth of it, as you also continue to serve. I don’t know who you are, but I understand, and am sorry, and hope you get a chance to take that break. I really do.

I watch a security guard go by, and food services, and others. Please, one week from today, one of you walking by me now, write on my forehead as I am asleep in recovery “I can’t afford for this not to work” or “this is urgent”

Then I reflect on a recent blog, bitching about all the people who want to be seen as urgent in my to-do list, but they really are not, in my eyes. Interesting. I want to be seen as urgent, but am tired of people wanting the same of me. Interesting. Fate? Karma? Alanis Morisette’s misuse of the word ironic? Whatever, LBNL.

A merciful Nurse lets me in the test center early, thank you. Will you also be on post op when I need that kind of nurse? 2 minutes there, and ushered to x-ray. Have worn a lot of those crotch protecting lead things in the last year and a half.

Wow, an old friend in the waiting room. Mr. Balboa on A and E. Thank you god, a distraction from my selfish self declared state of emergency. I enjoy his great script writing for 15 minutes, and get called in.

What did you do to your arm, he asks’, lol. I am not here any more about what I did to my arm. Awkward silence. I miss better dialogue with Sly already, I should have turned the TV up louder before I left.

If u do grace my private or semi private room next week at all, please bring Mr. Balboa, or Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, or some other classic in a form that my computer can play. Thanks.

As I got ushered into the X-ray room, a guy torts “I was the first one in the waiting room, and the last one left” maybe he is just a number today.

From there to pre-op assessment. They stick me in a room to watch cinematic genius in coughing, huffing, wiggling my toes, and deep breathing post surgery. They instruct ‘use your arms when you sit up, to keep pressure off your incision.’ If I am a number, they picked the wrong number on the video, LBNL.

After that, she informs me that the next person to see me will be the anesthetist. He won’t be in for another hour and a half. A fine man I used to go to church with. He I am sure will warn me of risks, etc. I will listen, and sign, but not this time out of a trust in the system. This time I will sign because I just don’t care. Like Duracell claims, sometimes it just has to work.

The nurse then informs me that i actually won’t get to see the good doctor David Kim today. He is busy with patients, sir. At least this morning is confirming that I will be a number. *&*&$##&*!

I take the initiative to go down early to the department of therapies, and get fitted up though I am not scheduled till 1 p.m. They are happy to help me then and the therapist is the first reassuring person in this whole process. She tells me that her and another therapist will try to check in on me many times in a day as long as I am in hospital. She did mention that their hands are tied without dr’s orders though. I will ask him what his plan is, oh, oops, can’t. The CPM machine is not that impressive, but she assures me that it will do the job, and that they will do hands on what the machine can’t, if she gets the order from the doctor. She also said she will make sure people are on top of pain management cause the cpm machine will not feel good, she says.

Speaking of pain control, back to wait for the make u go to sleep guy. Before he comes, I meet with a nurse, who basically has pamphlets to read, one on total elbow replacement recovery, lol. She says ‘that must be a mistake’ and throws it away. K, am I legitimately scared after some of the things going on here? She talks at me, she is nice, though, and leaves me with a sealed sponge I must use on arm that morning before coming. May save t for camping instead, great packaging.

After done with her,, back to waiting room to blog again. An older couple are setting up a crib game across from me, and I avoid making any contact but then think ‘ as mad and scared as I am right now, I still love people and searching for opportunities to make contacts, bless people and maybe even get to share about the love of my eternal life. I set the cpu down, and ask if I can join, they seem so excited, we set it up, and I start to deal when Dennis Ong, old church friend, calls my name.

He gives me lots of info and is very caring. Tells me they are trying to freeze nerve clusters to the right of my C6 vertebra, and describes the process a bit (a bit scary, ask in person) and says the result with be that feeling in the right side of my body will disappear for the duration of my hospital stay. He says part of that includes some stuff he has never actually done before, but he will find someone who has, lol.

Once he is done chatting, he assures me they will be very careful, and though there are major risks, he says not to worry, he will take care of me as far as pain control.

I start to leave, but want to use the phone to call my best friend for a ride back to work, though I am booked out for the day. Work needs to be done. After doing that, and walking down the hall, I see a ghost from the past that amazes me. Wo, does God make this stuff work out, oor is it just chance. Anyways, he gets my attention again, though by the time I am done I still cant get the attention of the surgeon, my whole reason for coming. I go to work, staff meeting, etc. Here we go again.