Saturday, March 28, 2009

I learned somehting about myself this year.

I try to hard to make people do things that they don't want to do. I call it caring, but i am not sure that is the right way to care any more. Now that I see what i am doing, I am able to stop it, see it while it is going on, even before it happens, but the desire is still there. The desire is there, I tell myself, comes from being passionate about the abundant life, in all areas of life. But am i just a control freak, telling others how to live their life? I dunno.

Anyways, it is too much now, so I have stopped. if there are leaderhsip standards that must be met by those who want to lead with me, I will humbly state them, live them, give grace, and act when the leadership standard needs to be enforced lovingly. but I wont tell people how to live. If there is a person whom i saw with potential in them, and invested accordingly, but then realized they were not making choices to allow for potential, then I will tell them, honestly, lovingly, and then no more. Not cut them loose, but not tell them how to live either.

i am so tired tonight, so scared of how i ahve not done well. Scared what I do wont count for much in the end, in the eternal. I know God is faithful, and I know he is loving and accepts me, I just am struggling with my methods and motives, after seeing some of the outcome.


Friday, February 27, 2009

It's not fair.

When a soldier goes off to war, he is out there giving himself fully to the cause of greater freedom. Not his own, because that freedom he could maintain with the weapons in his hands and his knowledge of quiet places he could go and take care of himself. No, it's not his own well being he fights for, because being on the front lines is actually the worst place for someone concerned for their own well being. No, it is clearly for the greater good, other's freedom, following orders, whatever you want to call it.

Then something happens. When he returns, he suffers from something very complicated and devastating. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It changes how he lives, changes how he thinks, changes who he is a person. It is the price he has paid for fighting for your freedom, but now you don't have to pay the price for his sickness. His stress problems. His anger. His lack of sleep. No, you got what you needed, you have been served, and when he has outlived his usefulness on the front lines, you would just as soon send another out there, and let this one take care of himself.

And what of the bad choices he makes. He, like any human with free will, is responsible for his own choices, before God and country, but it is not only insensitive but unintelligent to suggest that those choices are not in part a result of his time serving you, and the cost on ones life while doing that, even if they still have all of their limbs. The choices you make with that freedom earned by him are free, paid for. but the choices he makes, he must pay for. maybe criminally responsible for, maybe lose friends, family, or just peace of mind and the ability to live the way he did before fighting for you. But he must pay for it. It's his choice, right?

For all those not out there fighting, or supporting those who are or have already given all, what do you think your role in all of this is? Spectators? Recipients of something you don't appreciate and really value, unless you lose it? Consumers with demands to be met? (that doesn't make sense because even reasonable consumers must pay for what they want) What are you?

I think for the most part there are two categories. Those who fight for this cause, and those who don't have to think about it. Those who value it enough to give their lives to, and those who are too busy doing the things that those fighters would love to do when they get home, but probably won't have the peace of mind to be able to enjoy any more. At least not without help.

Don't feel bad. What could you do to help, right? No worries, cheers, w/e.

To those fighting, find other fighters who can help you live well even after you have given that life to something other than yourself. You have been promised that the sacrifice would be worth it, and it must be true, even if the recipients never appreciate the gift, or more importantly, the cost of that gift. And be careful out there, and back home too. neither place is safe. The acts of discipline and training you needed out in the field are just as needed back home. ! Cor. 9:27.

Happy Remembrance Day!

Pastor Pepsi, Poured Out Like A Drink Offering.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I am done saying 'no'. As I stare at another e-mail from Jake's would be soccer coach, but we don't have time to take him, have not had time to take him, I think to myself, I am sorry Jake, but next year I won't say no to soccer. As I try to get a student of a significant leader to a meeting they knew about 2 months in advance, on a team they requested to be on in leadership, and they say they cannot, because of a sports team commitment, I am done saying 'no' to my son's sports or other opportunities.

As I think about how much I value small group, and have for 8 years here at EBC, to the point where our small groups ahve multiplied many times, and are now to the point of sending out so many small group leaders that we now have one that is people not ready, able, willing or likely to lead, cause the leaders ahve all been sent, I am done saying no to thursday nights with my kids. That small group is something I value, but as I stare at this soccer email that Jake doesn't even know exists, I think about other leaders, co-labourers, whos kids are not only in these kinds of things, but they are able to coach these things for their kids.
I will continue a small group, on Sunday Nights, if and only if, at our team meetings this year we agree as co-laboourers, that this is a value for all, not for some, who sacrifice their other options while others take those options.

I think about the community association, and the drop in night. Other than help, thigns are going great, great bridge building, great attendance, etc. (the sr high one, not so much, they do not deserve or value it). The community association will ahve me in another way next year though. A soccer coach, or something like it, on jake's team. I have given tis thing 5 years, and it has been worth it, but I can't be committed to 4 nights a week every week before any other meetings are even discussed. It is not fair to Jake. I am done saying no to him like that, escially as I fight to get other kids to commit to the types of things that we are supposed to value, and Jake will be forced to value, because dad doesn't ahve time for any other things.

I now am but an hour away from facing a meeting where I will be (possibly rightly so) judged and evaluated, and likely sanctioned for my inability to get paperwork stuff in as I am responsible for. One would think this should not be to hard to do successfully. I I have thought about that alot, and if every time I am in this building, I am getting ready for the next thing, the next event, because they are at a minimum, 4 times a week, then yes, yes, it is difficult, to simply deal with the paper. Why, because as you come in the door, and should just deal with it right awya, that is tough, because you are literally running to the next thing.

sorry, blog, for saying no to you so much. That may not change, but I wanted to say to you today, I am done saying no to Jake. He will not understand, or think it's fair, when he hears what the otehr kids get to do, and that's at the staff christmas party, not at school.

If, somehow you are a reader of this, lol, and ant to reply, reply on here or to me directly, don't think you are helping by asking around about me, etc.

Good morning, happy wednesday.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Starting to unwind...

I am thankful for this chance to have a Sabbatical. I have actually been looking around overwelmed and amazed at what God does/may/will have for me as I slow down and focus on Him, but tonight I have decided to stop being overwelmed and just start.

Should I start with 'hello', or 'how are you', or 'how can I serve you?' Should I start in His Word, or on my knees, in songs of praise or in silence and awe?

I don't write this to demonstrate my inability to just start being with God. This page, now little read, I am sure, has always been a place of honesty, and that desire for me to grow deeper, sit with him, has been hindered by an overwelmed feeling of what it is like to think about Him, and what He has done in my life, and what He has given to me and doing in me.

Not sure how, but it is time to start, what ever that means. Pray for me. I am likely praying for you, (though I may not know more than the 2 I suspect still read this thing).

God has given me access to a great gift, and my fear of wasting it has stopped me from taking full advantage of it. Not any more.

Good night.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I remember once getting into a car accident in the midst of massive busyness and prep for a Mexico Missions Trip. It was minus 45 degrees, an the roads were solid Ice, and on 105th street, I tried to brake as the person in front of me tried to turn without signalling, and I slid, slow speed into their back end. It was not a big collision, but the temperature made the fibre glass brittle enough that both of our cars exploded with pieces in the air from our bumpers.

my first thought was...I just don't care, I don't have time to care, think about, or process what just happened. I did not think 'thanks for letting me live' or 'how am I going to sort this out'. It was just a very simple 'I don't care cause I don't have time to care'.

It is that memory that I think about when reflecting on this past YC weekend. There were some great challenges given to me, both by speakers, workshops, and actually the most profound thoughts occurred as God showed me something through my alter-ego, the one this blog is named after.

There are some things to process think about, and adjust my life to. But I don't know what yet, because I did not have time to process those things during the weekend. I was called by God to lead and facilitate a weekend that allowed for life change in the students. this does not negate my responsibility for life change when God spoke to me out there, but true change can take time, process, prayer, and it seemed like trying to do that in Edmonton would not allow me to order supper for trip home, call bus driver to let him know details of where we were really at in schedule, chase someone who repeatedly tried to separate from the group, take someone to the hospital with a third Asma attack, and find someone who thought my rule of main sessions and concerts together was more of a suggestion.

I loved the weekend, I love those youth and the sponsors who teamed up with me. I especially love the God who called us out there, and then worked on us once we made it there. i am just reflecting on the reality that the questions and thoughts that God gave me, or in some cases, maybe just speakers gave me, are still raw, unprocessed, and unresponded to. is that a bad thing? Do I have my priorities wrong? or is it just a reality of the timing, and I just need to have the discipline to come back to those thoughts and walk through them.

That time to process is coming, and this year will be in a large helping, thanks be to God. I love what God has called me to.

Continue reading as I process those thoughts on this site.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

To speak, or not to speak? That is the question.

Some book I read once stated that we are called to speak the truth in love to each other. Yet, really, we operate in a world where it is more acceptable to just mind your own business. It is actually easier to live that way too. What am I to do when even the people I might speak to would rather I don't.

This is not a spur of the moment blog or moaning about life right now necessarily. This is somehting I have been wrestling witha dn thinking about for 2 years, and i want to figure out what it means to be a godly man in this way now. REgarding the small groups, and ministries I lead, I have to beleive that God can change lives there, or wahts the point of doing them? What's the point of christian commumity if 'mind your own business' or 'it is easier to not talk about it' is the M.O. (did I use that law adn order term right?)

I agree that aperson should not go opoen season on every hurtful topic in public, under the cover of christian acocuntablity, but the status quo of lets just leave it no longer fits with me any more. I believe that we use sensitivity and tolerance as a clever disguise for 'I don't know what to say, I fear the cost if i do say something, or I care, but don't have time to face this with you right now'. I am guilty of all of those, adn I have sense things get worse or blow up completely because no caring person around saws what needs to be said.

I am guessing that if we reflect, there is more times I regret not saying something than saying something. Let me ask you, if anyone reads this, lol, do you ahv emore regrets about saying something or not saying something. has it been a bigger crime to open your big mouth (i mean that in the nicest posible way) or mind your own business (also in the nicest posible way). I would love your thoughts, experiences, and input into the balance and results here on this topic.

Thanks for reading, double thanks for a reply, and triple thanks to the youngest person I would call 'close to me' who recognized the toll that some if this is taking on me and asked if I wanted a bit of a break from other responsibilities. Your friendship and maturity astound me, and bless me.
Have a good day y'all!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


I don't think I am overly hard on myself about my abilities or anything, but I have made one observation, i think.

Nothing comes naturally to me. I thought about this at dance last night. We are working on stuff for a performance dance team, and I thought I was a pretty good dancer, and still think I am, but I have to work so hard at it to get it, where as others just get it. Same with water skiing or a musical instrument. I am a good skier, on tricks, but every trick comes with a high price of hours of work and hard falls. my coach has stated that once I get a trick, it is perfect for good, but it takes so much to get it. Same with the Sax, or guitar. On the sax, I played 3 hours a day for 6 months to get into the U of S College of Music. I got i, but it was tough. On guitar, I have stayed at the same level for years, because I dont have time o play every day. And knowing that it doesn't come naturally, i know i will not improve in my ability unless I quit my day job (not going to happen).

Even keeping this blog going does not come naturally to me.

What about you? What do you think. What comes easily to you?