Wednesday, May 31, 2006

good morning.

I am blogging from home , as I take time off after my surgery. there are many events and experiences that impacted me in the hospital, so I will be sharing about some of those in my next few blogs.

since you already read about my preop experience, and some of you were unlucky enough to read about my night before, until a good friend of mine deleted that, I will start the morning of. I went into the operating room , fully aware and not on any medication at that point. I was laying down on the bed, and in elegant hospital attire, but other than that, no different than you or I would normally be.

shortly before hand, the surgeon had spent some time talking about the surgery with me, but I pushed beyond that topic and was far more interested in the rehab that he had planned. he said he was interested in letting me go on Friday or Saturday, but I knew that no fizz you therapy places were open on the weekend, and told him quite plainly that he was hanging out to dry , if he sent me home when there is no help available even on my own. he agreed and said they would not let me go until Monday.after our pleasant chat, the anesthesiologist spent some time explaining the risk of the nerve blocks they were going to do on my right side. they would try to find the right nerve clusters using a nerve stimulator that they would stick in my neck, and then inject the freezing directly onto those nerves. he explains that there is much less risk coming at those nerves from the front through my chest. he stated that only if they could not do this properly they would come through my neck which have a lot more risk to it.

I signed the paper that said it would not sue these guys and they rolled me into the operating room , fully awake and aware. They said they needed this to find the right nerves. it was very strange seeing quite clearly everyone prepare their tools to operate on me. I would have much preferred , the more common relative already been drowsy , and sedated at this point. everyone in the room was very busy, and for the first time in a while . I allowed myself to feel fear. lying flat on the bed, I looked around , in desperation, seeking a pair of eyes to meet mine and understand what I was feeling , because i was fully awake. even the nurses were very busy and could not spare the time to meet my eyes with theirs.

then the two anesthesiologists started to do their work on my right side with the nurse on my left side. it appeared she was watching my vitals,and very interested in this nerve block procedure. I know this because she watched the doctors constantly as they worked on my neck and chest. with the same consistency, I looked up at her hoping to catch her eye, trying to explain without words , that I was not all right. I wanted someone in that room to know that though I tried to enter this experience strong I was on the verge of breaking down for the simple reason that I was scared that I would not be safe during this procedure. for better or for worse, I never did get the attention of any pairs of eyes in that room, which was very disappointing , because I'm sure that if I can just communicate to someone that I was not all right that maybe they could send back through the same look that they would be aware and watching when I no longer could.

I know I've made a lot of unfair demands towards God and my journey, but I think longing to see those eyes, the eyes of God or Jesus looking at me,understanding that I was not all right, and promising through a glance , more powerful than words, that they would be watching when I no longer could. if I could extend that demand of God, I also asked that in that look he would not communicate the type of 'it will be OK' that means that your fears are irrational, but more , I will be there watching even when it isn't OK.

I think that God offers this. I read in the Psalms, and other areas of the Bible that discuss the comfort of God, and I can't imagine a divine comfort , lacking the description I've just giving you. I know it is there, and I know it is real, but I've had a lot of trouble in the last couple years actually seeing those eyes. maybe I've asked to God to be too physical in that demand to see those eyes. maybe I need to close my eyes more to establish that gaze with my savior that I long for from him, and longed for in that operating room.

in that operating room I was scared to close my eyes before communicating this need to at least one person there. forget the words of at least, this need , was simply for one and only one person to know that I was not all right. I was scared that if I close my eyes . they would assume I was getting drowsy , and that the voices in my head screaming to cut your losses get up and run,but i should be able to trust that God won't lose sight of me, or assume everything is all right, when I close my eyes longing to meet his and experience some to a communication that words are never sufficient for.

more to come later.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Hey, thjis is my blog from in the hospital, at pre op assesment. It is real, raw, and very long. I thought it would be fun to bring my laptop, but if you are easily offended, too sensitive at anything i may say that could seem like an attack,, or hav enot yet brought me off some spiritual pedestle that I can't maintain, then don tread. Also, don't feel obligated to coment. If I disturb u, sorry, this blog is not for u, but if I must hold back, this blog is not for me.

My Blog from inside Saint Paul

I arrive 25 minutes early, and get through admitting in record time. I am then sitting in front of “Test Center” half an hour before the sign says it will open. I wait in front of the doors, thinking about what I feel like right now. By the sounds of it, I will be present in many different departments before I am done here.

I think about what they are thinking when they look at me, or when they look at my file. I think to myself, I just want them to see me in my desperation. I want people to understand I need their help, and I can’t afford a third go at this, in fact I won’t wait for that to happen either. LBNL. I see a nurse pass by, on her way home probably, tired, looking after people, or are they people. Files? Numbers? Whatever. I just want someone to see that I can’t afford to be a number this time. I can’t wait six $%^&$# weeks for any real follow up. I know none of this is life threatening, but I hope that someone sees the second pass at this as an emergency, not just another attempt. I know in ski jumping you get 3 attempts, but not in this. I know some have gone through more than me, but I tried to be strong, valiant, Godly, whatever in maintaining my career of helping people, even in the midst of this past year. Screw maintaining, I won’t toot any of my own horns, but the last year has hardly been mere maintenance. Some people I see keep on trucking, some people need a break cause it is too much, some people quit cause it is too much. I do not feel bad in saying I have lived the complete opposite of the kind of life described in the latter 2. If I offend you with any of those statements, sorry, but show your anger by not visiting me next week, lol. Don’t assume I am thinking of you when I describe those people, nor that I say that those people are bad, or not, or whatever. I am just saying I have done anything but take a break or quit, and you could have not judged me had I done either. Many of you are also like me I am sure, and I just don’t see your problem you are going through, or the depth of it, as you also continue to serve. I don’t know who you are, but I understand, and am sorry, and hope you get a chance to take that break. I really do.

I watch a security guard go by, and food services, and others. Please, one week from today, one of you walking by me now, write on my forehead as I am asleep in recovery “I can’t afford for this not to work” or “this is urgent”

Then I reflect on a recent blog, bitching about all the people who want to be seen as urgent in my to-do list, but they really are not, in my eyes. Interesting. I want to be seen as urgent, but am tired of people wanting the same of me. Interesting. Fate? Karma? Alanis Morisette’s misuse of the word ironic? Whatever, LBNL.

A merciful Nurse lets me in the test center early, thank you. Will you also be on post op when I need that kind of nurse? 2 minutes there, and ushered to x-ray. Have worn a lot of those crotch protecting lead things in the last year and a half.

Wow, an old friend in the waiting room. Mr. Balboa on A and E. Thank you god, a distraction from my selfish self declared state of emergency. I enjoy his great script writing for 15 minutes, and get called in.

What did you do to your arm, he asks’, lol. I am not here any more about what I did to my arm. Awkward silence. I miss better dialogue with Sly already, I should have turned the TV up louder before I left.

If u do grace my private or semi private room next week at all, please bring Mr. Balboa, or Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, or some other classic in a form that my computer can play. Thanks.

As I got ushered into the X-ray room, a guy torts “I was the first one in the waiting room, and the last one left” maybe he is just a number today.

From there to pre-op assessment. They stick me in a room to watch cinematic genius in coughing, huffing, wiggling my toes, and deep breathing post surgery. They instruct ‘use your arms when you sit up, to keep pressure off your incision.’ If I am a number, they picked the wrong number on the video, LBNL.

After that, she informs me that the next person to see me will be the anesthetist. He won’t be in for another hour and a half. A fine man I used to go to church with. He I am sure will warn me of risks, etc. I will listen, and sign, but not this time out of a trust in the system. This time I will sign because I just don’t care. Like Duracell claims, sometimes it just has to work.

The nurse then informs me that i actually won’t get to see the good doctor David Kim today. He is busy with patients, sir. At least this morning is confirming that I will be a number. *&*&$##&*!

I take the initiative to go down early to the department of therapies, and get fitted up though I am not scheduled till 1 p.m. They are happy to help me then and the therapist is the first reassuring person in this whole process. She tells me that her and another therapist will try to check in on me many times in a day as long as I am in hospital. She did mention that their hands are tied without dr’s orders though. I will ask him what his plan is, oh, oops, can’t. The CPM machine is not that impressive, but she assures me that it will do the job, and that they will do hands on what the machine can’t, if she gets the order from the doctor. She also said she will make sure people are on top of pain management cause the cpm machine will not feel good, she says.

Speaking of pain control, back to wait for the make u go to sleep guy. Before he comes, I meet with a nurse, who basically has pamphlets to read, one on total elbow replacement recovery, lol. She says ‘that must be a mistake’ and throws it away. K, am I legitimately scared after some of the things going on here? She talks at me, she is nice, though, and leaves me with a sealed sponge I must use on arm that morning before coming. May save t for camping instead, great packaging.

After done with her,, back to waiting room to blog again. An older couple are setting up a crib game across from me, and I avoid making any contact but then think ‘ as mad and scared as I am right now, I still love people and searching for opportunities to make contacts, bless people and maybe even get to share about the love of my eternal life. I set the cpu down, and ask if I can join, they seem so excited, we set it up, and I start to deal when Dennis Ong, old church friend, calls my name.

He gives me lots of info and is very caring. Tells me they are trying to freeze nerve clusters to the right of my C6 vertebra, and describes the process a bit (a bit scary, ask in person) and says the result with be that feeling in the right side of my body will disappear for the duration of my hospital stay. He says part of that includes some stuff he has never actually done before, but he will find someone who has, lol.

Once he is done chatting, he assures me they will be very careful, and though there are major risks, he says not to worry, he will take care of me as far as pain control.

I start to leave, but want to use the phone to call my best friend for a ride back to work, though I am booked out for the day. Work needs to be done. After doing that, and walking down the hall, I see a ghost from the past that amazes me. Wo, does God make this stuff work out, oor is it just chance. Anyways, he gets my attention again, though by the time I am done I still cant get the attention of the surgeon, my whole reason for coming. I go to work, staff meeting, etc. Here we go again.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Scene from office, 2 minutes ago:

Steph Owen telling me about how her and her husbadn are corrected on fashion mistakes by kids. Steph and I start to go over common mistakes, I add:'black socks and sandals', Church administrator walks by, almost perfectly timed, wearing balck socks and sandals. LOL
So, my son, yesterday, looked at a cover of a book I am ooking at to help answer jr high questions. The book is called 'Why so many Gods?' but since he can't read, he must have just been looking at the picture. He pointed and said 'daddy!' as he seems to ahve found what looks liek to him a picture of me. (if u have nto followed the link yet, u will not get any of this)

So, please comment, what does my son see in me? lol, or cna he predict the future?

Mike
Be still my bleeding ...

Tongue?

That's right, I split open my tongue yesterday putting in some lunch hour time (I worked yesterday) on a Baritone Saxophone I picked up. I am buying it and renting it to a studnet who will play in my new quartet. Hence, if he stays in it long enough, a lot of my costs are covered and I still have a bari.

The reed is a little tougher than the alto reed I am used to, and I was just having so much fun with walking bass lines that I did not notice till I removed the blood coated reed from the horn.

Hey, look at that? I was having fun, that's cool, and I didn't even mean too, lol. Think I found something i will ened to try again. (dont worry, the tongue builds up calousses.
Well, life continues to plough forward with trying to prep for tiem away.

I agree with many of the 'legitimate' issues that people have and want me to address, but I wish people would ahve a clue as to the ratio of issues i get on any given day compared to just hteirs.

For instance, I have now put $800 of my own cash into YC, waiting for others to pay for thier tickets, some claim ignorance, some claim I did not communicate that they had to pay, (that ammsues me, lbnl) and now more who are cancelling.

Be it staff, students, whatever. What do I do with these tickets that the church, and now I have paid for? I know that my job comes with issues to deal with, hence leadership. but people approach me with the urgency like thiers is the only issue, or the casualness, like they are the only ticke t I must now reseell. I will find more disciplers for my sponsors, as was promised to them and not yet fulfilled. I will make sure al my responsibilities are covered for when I am gone. I will make sure everyone has what they need ahead of time.

But, if u are waiting on me, just sit back, take a look, and imagine that even the YC issue alone right now will probably take me one full alnighter to sort out, since there are more 'pressing (lbnl) issues to deal with during office hours. Please be patient, and my thanks goes out to those who are willing to take up some more of the load, like a friend who is now handling food for Grad Banquet. I hate banquets. Lol.

Well, off to write two year end reports, one for SSCA, adn one for the church. I will blog a happier blog today to, just wanting people to understnd, they are not the only issue.

Friday, May 12, 2006

A few things:

Some more detaisl from my doctor that u dont want. I have crossed the 160 lb mark for the first time in my life. Hmm, all the working out I ahve done in last 12 months? probably not.

Ode to dad: (on this mothers day weekend) He would rather give us the title to the cabin than sell it for cash. It is mroe valuable that we have a haven to rest and just be a family, even if he never sees the cabin again. Dad strikes again. we were planning on bringing back teh shaggin wagon (big van) back to him, the rightful owner, on may long, but he called to sya it is now ours forever. He is frustrated with guys from work abusing his vehices, so would rather i have it. Wow, guess I'll stop abbusing it, lol. Just kidding, we treat it well, lol.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

So, at a pre-opp appointment, my doc ordered blood wok to see if I would clot right and stuff, standard tests before big surgery.

She then said, since we are taking blood, lets do a test for cholesterol as well. Lol, , I responded that that was not necessary, but she replieed in a sort of all ready printed the requisition kind of way. So, 10 hour fast, lose 2 tubes of blood, and 3.5 minutes later, a nice breakfast at mcDonalds, lol. I generally dont like their food, but those Mcgriddles, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Hey, the test was done, it wont affectthe results.
Well, I am no David Blaine.

I am not able to sit in tank like him, or hold my breathe for that long. I doubt ABC will cover my story, and know that there will not be the hundreds of passerby's wondering how it will end or showing support.

Regardless, I spend a lot fo time 'focussing' or meditating' when i cna afford the time. It is hard to understand and maybe silly sounding to those outside of my spirit right now.

First, I must prepare my mind and spirit for a battle that no one has any clue is about to begin. A battle that I don't know the ending to the story in, nor my heart's true response to those endings.

Second, my Dr. reminds me I can't take Ibuprofen for days before surgery, that shall be a challenge, since I now live off it.

Third, another therapist says I must train myself to sleep on my back, for the sake of my neck, good luck.

Forth, they tell me the more relaxed I am going into the surg, the more successful it will be. That is totally contradictory to what must be done for me to be able to pull back for afew weeks.

For what it is worth, I made some very tough decisions to respond to a message from the Lord directly to me that came a long time ago. when He gave it, I didn't want it. He reminded me, as my surg date came up, and now I ahve responded. Reluctantly, the kind of "I will do this, bu please dont leave me hanging, or I might not hang around' kind of respnse. Probably not what God was looking for, but I finally listenned to His message to me from one dark late night at a bible camp.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Losing to Quads, twice in a row.

First hand, fold, nothing really to bet on.
Second hand, J/Q off suit. The flop gives me 9/10/K, wow. another 9 on the turn. a 2 on the river. I have the only combination for that high of straight, and flush not possible. Even if someone has a third 9, i still win. A girl who does not know when it is even her turn, and friend suggests she call my bet. she turns over other two nines. Awesome.

Third hand: 10/K off suit. flop gives me J/Q/A. Bet on highest straight, no chance of flush again. tunr card = 7, no bet. River = A, so someone may have 3 A's, I still win. All in. Guy calls me, I think he doesn't know math that well. He flips over other two Ace's.
Awesome. Go home early.

Sometimes you think you've got a winner. sometimes you think it makes sense to go ahead. Then you see that really you had nothing worth betting on at all. Awesome. So, what now? do I sit at the table and watch everyone else collect their spoils all night, or can I go home early?

Friday, May 05, 2006

Another mornign Run.
This time, more of a sprint than a jog. And with my shirt off too. lol.

Lying in bed, tired as all get out, and then we here the rumbling of the garbage truck out front. I made great time. Putiting on pants slowed me down a bit, but I dont think he would have stopped otherwise, lol. That is 2 runs this week.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Poured out like a drink offering

Rejection Complex?
With a second surgery date sure to be soon, my physio informs me that she is taking temportary reduced hours, lol. did she do that knowign that another round would be comig soon, forced time with me, lol. She siad she will share the load/blessing with another therapist.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Poured out like a drink offering: "2006"

8 minutes, 27 seconds. I can afford that.

This morning I went out for a run, more of a jog, maybe even a brisk wal. To the school, down garvie, mcwillie, back down konhowski to home.

There was mud on my runners froma horrible mess I had created by a) not cleaning up all the dirt from the lawn after digging for jakes swing, and b) turing on the sprinklers one evening before jake went to bed, and c) letting jake play outside just before bed.

I am sure it would have taken me 8 minutes to clean all the mud off of those runners, but now the mud is gone, and only 27 extra seconds. Tomorrow I will wear amanda's runners, and wednesday, jake's.

I know I can't lift weights like I used to cause of arm, and probably wont be able to until at least fall. I know I can't take part in the summer sports people play together as teams beating other teams. I know I am also sick of not being half of what I used to be physically (despite what my weight says). So, I ran.