good morning.

I am blogging from home , as I take time off after my surgery. there are many events and experiences that impacted me in the hospital, so I will be sharing about some of those in my next few blogs.

since you already read about my preop experience, and some of you were unlucky enough to read about my night before, until a good friend of mine deleted that, I will start the morning of. I went into the operating room , fully aware and not on any medication at that point. I was laying down on the bed, and in elegant hospital attire, but other than that, no different than you or I would normally be.

shortly before hand, the surgeon had spent some time talking about the surgery with me, but I pushed beyond that topic and was far more interested in the rehab that he had planned. he said he was interested in letting me go on Friday or Saturday, but I knew that no fizz you therapy places were open on the weekend, and told him quite plainly that he was hanging out to dry , if he sent me home when there is no help available even on my own. he agreed and said they would not let me go until Monday.after our pleasant chat, the anesthesiologist spent some time explaining the risk of the nerve blocks they were going to do on my right side. they would try to find the right nerve clusters using a nerve stimulator that they would stick in my neck, and then inject the freezing directly onto those nerves. he explains that there is much less risk coming at those nerves from the front through my chest. he stated that only if they could not do this properly they would come through my neck which have a lot more risk to it.

I signed the paper that said it would not sue these guys and they rolled me into the operating room , fully awake and aware. They said they needed this to find the right nerves. it was very strange seeing quite clearly everyone prepare their tools to operate on me. I would have much preferred , the more common relative already been drowsy , and sedated at this point. everyone in the room was very busy, and for the first time in a while . I allowed myself to feel fear. lying flat on the bed, I looked around , in desperation, seeking a pair of eyes to meet mine and understand what I was feeling , because i was fully awake. even the nurses were very busy and could not spare the time to meet my eyes with theirs.

then the two anesthesiologists started to do their work on my right side with the nurse on my left side. it appeared she was watching my vitals,and very interested in this nerve block procedure. I know this because she watched the doctors constantly as they worked on my neck and chest. with the same consistency, I looked up at her hoping to catch her eye, trying to explain without words , that I was not all right. I wanted someone in that room to know that though I tried to enter this experience strong I was on the verge of breaking down for the simple reason that I was scared that I would not be safe during this procedure. for better or for worse, I never did get the attention of any pairs of eyes in that room, which was very disappointing , because I'm sure that if I can just communicate to someone that I was not all right that maybe they could send back through the same look that they would be aware and watching when I no longer could.

I know I've made a lot of unfair demands towards God and my journey, but I think longing to see those eyes, the eyes of God or Jesus looking at me,understanding that I was not all right, and promising through a glance , more powerful than words, that they would be watching when I no longer could. if I could extend that demand of God, I also asked that in that look he would not communicate the type of 'it will be OK' that means that your fears are irrational, but more , I will be there watching even when it isn't OK.

I think that God offers this. I read in the Psalms, and other areas of the Bible that discuss the comfort of God, and I can't imagine a divine comfort , lacking the description I've just giving you. I know it is there, and I know it is real, but I've had a lot of trouble in the last couple years actually seeing those eyes. maybe I've asked to God to be too physical in that demand to see those eyes. maybe I need to close my eyes more to establish that gaze with my savior that I long for from him, and longed for in that operating room.

in that operating room I was scared to close my eyes before communicating this need to at least one person there. forget the words of at least, this need , was simply for one and only one person to know that I was not all right. I was scared that if I close my eyes . they would assume I was getting drowsy , and that the voices in my head screaming to cut your losses get up and run,but i should be able to trust that God won't lose sight of me, or assume everything is all right, when I close my eyes longing to meet his and experience some to a communication that words are never sufficient for.

more to come later.